Dear Ryan,

There’s a man who looks over my fence with a strange look whenever I’m washing my golden fish.

Do you know who he is? Is he normal?

Yours,
Gabrielle

Dear Ryan,

Enclosed is our September rent, less the deduction for the spirit house.

Usual Rent	$ 500
- Spirit House	200
September Rent	300

Since $350 doesn’t divide evenly by 2, I’m paying $190 and Jennifer’s paying $170.

Yours,
Gabrielle

Dear Ryan,

Guru Sahara has just informed me of the sad news that the monastery near Trincomalee, Sri Lanka has been attacked by communist gorillas and Guru Kumar has been killed.* Guru Sahara has gone back to Sri Lanka to attend the funeral and meditate. So temporarily I’m going to have to put off the exercising of my house spirits, although I know you probably want to get this over with almost as much as I do.

Temporarily, I’m going to try and lure the bad spirits from the house by putting a spirit house in the garden. The spirit house costs $200 plus the cost of the food and gifts to be placed inside. I’ll understand if you don’t want to pay for this expense in addition to the exercism sometime later.

Yours,
Gabrielle

* You shouldn’t blame yourself too much for this.

Dear Ryan,

I’ve got some bad news for you. My guru, Mr. Kumar, has left the U.S. He’s gone to a monastery in Sri Lanka to meditate. I don’t know when he’ll be back in California. There’s a civil war going on in Sri Lanka. There have already been attacks on monasteries in Sri Lanka by heavily armed rebel gorillas.

Guru Kumar recommended another guru for the exercising of the house spirits, a Guru Sahara. Unfortunately, I don’t have a personal relationship with Guru Lahera, so he’s going to charge you the full $500, but don’t worry. I’m shopping around for a cheaper guru. Do you know any bargain gurus?

Jennifer thinks this is all nonsense, so please write to me about this, not her.

Yours,
Gabrielle

Dear Ryan:

I’ll pay 1/2 the electric bill until Ellen arrives, but I don’t really think it’s fair.

You know, this house only have one telephone outlet, in the kitchen. I’d like another one in my bedroom, and Gabrielle will probably also want one in her.

The electric store around the corner, Positively Electric, says they can sell me a big roll of telephone wire for $5. So if I pay you the $5, will you pay for the installation of 2 extra telephones in our bedrooms?

Jennifer

Dear Ryan,

You suggested that I should ask my friends if you were justified in refusing to pay for exercising the bad spirits from my home, and I did!

Here’s how they voted:

3 people felt my request was unreasonable

4 people felt that my request was reasonable, but you were within your rights to refuse (including Jennifer)

2 people felt that my request was reasonable and you should have paid.

2 person felt that my request was reasonable and you are being completely unreasonable.

So it looks like my friends agree with you. I’m going to ask them again after the harmonic convergence. I’ll let you know if they’ve changed their mind.

Gabrielle

Dear Gabrielle:

I know that you and Jennifer have only recently arrived in the Bay Area. I don’t know what the rental market is like where you come from. It is possible that where you come from landlords normally pay for exorcisms.

However, I can assure you that landlords in this area do not pay for exorcisms or any other means of driving away bad spirits from their property.

If you speak to your friends who have lived in this area for several hears, they will confirm what I’m saying is true.

Sincerely,

Ryan Crabtree

P.S. –

I do not want you to marbleize the walls or wallpaper, print, or paint the walls either. Remember the rental agreement you signed prohibits any redecorating, altering, or remodeling of the building by you without my prior written consent.

R.C.