Dear Ryan,

Well, I guess I’ve arrived! The house doesn’t seem quite as dreamy as I imagined.

I think the last tenants must have had bad feelings about this house because I can sense bad spirits here.

I’ve discussed this problem with my guru, Mr. Pavel Kumar. He is willing to exercise the bad spirits in this house for $250, as he is a good friend of mine. His regular fee is $500, so I’ve saved you 50%!

Can I get your O.K. as soon as possible? Mr. Kumar travels a lot, and we wouldn’t want to miss him.

Gabrielle

P.S. - Jennifer tells me your decorator is in Venice. Tell him he must see the Bridge of Size. It’s beautiful.

Jennifer:

I will not debate the electric bill with you. In the rental agreement you signed, you agreed to pay half of the property’s electric bill.

I cannot measure the amount of electricity used by you versus the amount of electricity used by the White's and their cats.

Read your rental agreement.

Sincerely,

Ryan Crabtree

Dear Ryan

I’ve asked alot of my friends, and they tell me you’re right about the Cable TV deposit. My friends tell me that landlords don’t give deposits to their tennants.

So I guess I’ll just have to pay for all the stuff on my lists myself now since you won’t.

There is one new item. When I moved in, I agreed to split the electric bill in 1/2 with the Whites in the front house. But there’s 2 of them, Rebecca and Charles, and only 1 of me until Gabrielle gets hear, so I should pay only 1/3 of the bill until then? That’s seems farer to me. They use more electricity then me, and have 2 cats.

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer:

When I wrote that I wasn’t going to haggle with you like a rug dealer in a Persian bazaar (or “bizarre” if you prefer) - I meant that only as a simile, a figure of speech.

I cannot be more blunt than I have already been. I will only pay for those items I have expressly agreed to pay for in my letters to you.

As to the cable TV deposit, Karen, you should know that the landlord does not pay a deposit to his tenant, but rather a tenant pays a deposit to the landlord!

- Ryan Crabtree

Dear Jennifer:

Your lease says that you are to pay all utility bills, except for garbage collection and water.

When I told you to call P.G. & E. to transfer the gas and electricity to your house to you, I did not give you permission to have them send the bill to me! I expressly told you when you signed the lease that you were to pay the gas & electric bill!

I don’t know why you have had the bills sent to me, but you should call P.G. & E. immediately to have the service transferred to your name because I’m going to call them to have it taken out of my name. As you know, I can’t have the service turned off since there’s only one meter for your & the White's electricity.

Jennifer - you’ve got to stop playing games with me. My patience is getting pretty stretched.

- Ryan Crabtree

Dear Ryan

I didn’t understand your letter.

I don’t want to buy a rug in a Persian bizarre. I just want you to pay for the stuff I talked about in my letters to you (especially the Cable TV deposit, which is overdue.)

Jennifer

P.S. - Good news. I fixed my jeans so now you won’t have to pay for them.

J.

Dear Ryan:

Hello!! I’m just writing to let you know how much I’m looking forward to moving my new home.

Jennifer has described the house to me and it sounds dreamy. I know we will get along famously. As you know, I’m an artist and I’m majoring in interior design at UC. I’m looking forward to trying out some of my ideas in my new home. I’m leaving money matters to Jennifer. Being an artist, I’m not as practical as she is!

I’ve been studying art in Washington this summer. One of the things I’ve learned here is a new oil transfer process for marbleizing walls and ceilings. Of course I’ll check with you before doing any work on my walls, but I know you’ll just love it.

I have a gauzy picture in my mind of the house now. I know that with work, imagination, and some financial assistance from you, I can turn my new home into an enchanted place.

Yours,

Gabrielle