Dear Ryan,

I’ve got some bad news for you. My guru, Mr. Kumar, has left the U.S. He’s gone to a monastery in Sri Lanka to meditate. I don’t know when he’ll be back in California. There’s a civil war going on in Sri Lanka. There have already been attacks on monasteries in Sri Lanka by heavily armed rebel gorillas.

Guru Kumar recommended another guru for the exercising of the house spirits, a Guru Sahara. Unfortunately, I don’t have a personal relationship with Guru Lahera, so he’s going to charge you the full $500, but don’t worry. I’m shopping around for a cheaper guru. Do you know any bargain gurus?

Jennifer thinks this is all nonsense, so please write to me about this, not her.

Yours,
Gabrielle