Dear Ryan,

There’s a man who looks over my fence with a strange look whenever I’m washing my golden fish.

Do you know who he is? Is he normal?

Yours,
Gabrielle

Dear Ryan,

Enclosed is our September rent, less the deduction for the spirit house.

Usual Rent	$ 500
- Spirit House	200
September Rent	300

Since $350 doesn’t divide evenly by 2, I’m paying $190 and Jennifer’s paying $170.

Yours,
Gabrielle

Dear Ryan,

Guru Sahara has just informed me of the sad news that the monastery near Trincomalee, Sri Lanka has been attacked by communist gorillas and Guru Kumar has been killed.* Guru Sahara has gone back to Sri Lanka to attend the funeral and meditate. So temporarily I’m going to have to put off the exercising of my house spirits, although I know you probably want to get this over with almost as much as I do.

Temporarily, I’m going to try and lure the bad spirits from the house by putting a spirit house in the garden. The spirit house costs $200 plus the cost of the food and gifts to be placed inside. I’ll understand if you don’t want to pay for this expense in addition to the exercism sometime later.

Yours,
Gabrielle

* You shouldn’t blame yourself too much for this.

Dear Ryan,

I’ve got some bad news for you. My guru, Mr. Kumar, has left the U.S. He’s gone to a monastery in Sri Lanka to meditate. I don’t know when he’ll be back in California. There’s a civil war going on in Sri Lanka. There have already been attacks on monasteries in Sri Lanka by heavily armed rebel gorillas.

Guru Kumar recommended another guru for the exercising of the house spirits, a Guru Sahara. Unfortunately, I don’t have a personal relationship with Guru Lahera, so he’s going to charge you the full $500, but don’t worry. I’m shopping around for a cheaper guru. Do you know any bargain gurus?

Jennifer thinks this is all nonsense, so please write to me about this, not her.

Yours,
Gabrielle

Dear Ryan:

I’ll pay 1/2 the electric bill until Ellen arrives, but I don’t really think it’s fair.

You know, this house only have one telephone outlet, in the kitchen. I’d like another one in my bedroom, and Gabrielle will probably also want one in her.

The electric store around the corner, Positively Electric, says they can sell me a big roll of telephone wire for $5. So if I pay you the $5, will you pay for the installation of 2 extra telephones in our bedrooms?

Jennifer

Dear Ryan,

You suggested that I should ask my friends if you were justified in refusing to pay for exercising the bad spirits from my home, and I did!

Here’s how they voted:

3 people felt my request was unreasonable

4 people felt that my request was reasonable, but you were within your rights to refuse (including Jennifer)

2 people felt that my request was reasonable and you should have paid.

2 person felt that my request was reasonable and you are being completely unreasonable.

So it looks like my friends agree with you. I’m going to ask them again after the harmonic convergence. I’ll let you know if they’ve changed their mind.

Gabrielle

Dear Gabrielle:

I know that you and Jennifer have only recently arrived in the Bay Area. I don’t know what the rental market is like where you come from. It is possible that where you come from landlords normally pay for exorcisms.

However, I can assure you that landlords in this area do not pay for exorcisms or any other means of driving away bad spirits from their property.

If you speak to your friends who have lived in this area for several hears, they will confirm what I’m saying is true.

Sincerely,

Ryan Crabtree

P.S. –

I do not want you to marbleize the walls or wallpaper, print, or paint the walls either. Remember the rental agreement you signed prohibits any redecorating, altering, or remodeling of the building by you without my prior written consent.

R.C.

Dear Ryan,

Well, I guess I’ve arrived! The house doesn’t seem quite as dreamy as I imagined.

I think the last tenants must have had bad feelings about this house because I can sense bad spirits here.

I’ve discussed this problem with my guru, Mr. Pavel Kumar. He is willing to exercise the bad spirits in this house for $250, as he is a good friend of mine. His regular fee is $500, so I’ve saved you 50%!

Can I get your O.K. as soon as possible? Mr. Kumar travels a lot, and we wouldn’t want to miss him.

Gabrielle

P.S. - Jennifer tells me your decorator is in Venice. Tell him he must see the Bridge of Size. It’s beautiful.

Jennifer:

I will not debate the electric bill with you. In the rental agreement you signed, you agreed to pay half of the property’s electric bill.

I cannot measure the amount of electricity used by you versus the amount of electricity used by the White's and their cats.

Read your rental agreement.

Sincerely,

Ryan Crabtree

Dear Ryan

I’ve asked alot of my friends, and they tell me you’re right about the Cable TV deposit. My friends tell me that landlords don’t give deposits to their tennants.

So I guess I’ll just have to pay for all the stuff on my lists myself now since you won’t.

There is one new item. When I moved in, I agreed to split the electric bill in 1/2 with the Whites in the front house. But there’s 2 of them, Rebecca and Charles, and only 1 of me until Gabrielle gets hear, so I should pay only 1/3 of the bill until then? That’s seems farer to me. They use more electricity then me, and have 2 cats.

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer:

When I wrote that I wasn’t going to haggle with you like a rug dealer in a Persian bazaar (or “bizarre” if you prefer) - I meant that only as a simile, a figure of speech.

I cannot be more blunt than I have already been. I will only pay for those items I have expressly agreed to pay for in my letters to you.

As to the cable TV deposit, Karen, you should know that the landlord does not pay a deposit to his tenant, but rather a tenant pays a deposit to the landlord!

- Ryan Crabtree

Dear Jennifer:

Your lease says that you are to pay all utility bills, except for garbage collection and water.

When I told you to call P.G. & E. to transfer the gas and electricity to your house to you, I did not give you permission to have them send the bill to me! I expressly told you when you signed the lease that you were to pay the gas & electric bill!

I don’t know why you have had the bills sent to me, but you should call P.G. & E. immediately to have the service transferred to your name because I’m going to call them to have it taken out of my name. As you know, I can’t have the service turned off since there’s only one meter for your & the White's electricity.

Jennifer - you’ve got to stop playing games with me. My patience is getting pretty stretched.

- Ryan Crabtree

Dear Ryan

I didn’t understand your letter.

I don’t want to buy a rug in a Persian bizarre. I just want you to pay for the stuff I talked about in my letters to you (especially the Cable TV deposit, which is overdue.)

Jennifer

P.S. - Good news. I fixed my jeans so now you won’t have to pay for them.

J.

Dear Ryan:

Hello!! I’m just writing to let you know how much I’m looking forward to moving my new home.

Jennifer has described the house to me and it sounds dreamy. I know we will get along famously. As you know, I’m an artist and I’m majoring in interior design at UC. I’m looking forward to trying out some of my ideas in my new home. I’m leaving money matters to Jennifer. Being an artist, I’m not as practical as she is!

I’ve been studying art in Washington this summer. One of the things I’ve learned here is a new oil transfer process for marbleizing walls and ceilings. Of course I’ll check with you before doing any work on my walls, but I know you’ll just love it.

I have a gauzy picture in my mind of the house now. I know that with work, imagination, and some financial assistance from you, I can turn my new home into an enchanted place.

Yours,

Gabrielle

Dear Jennifer:

Your expectations that I am going to pay for such things as your vacuum cleaner, your telephone, and now, your clothes is totally ridiculous and unrealistic on your part.

I’m sorry to be so blunt, but my last letter didn’t seem to make my point clear to you. My last letter was not intended to be an offer in part of a continuing negotiation; like haggling with a rug merchant at a Persian bazaar; but rather a simple statement of what I will and will not pay for.

As far as your jeans are concerned, I can only advise you to look more carefully in the future where you sit. A deck is designed to be walked upon, not sat upon.

Sincerely,

- Ryan Crabtree

Dear Ryan

Got your letter. I’d like to work out a deal with you on my list of expenses.

I’ll pay for the Cable TV stuff if you will pay for the phone stuff and I will pay for the cleaning stuff if you will pay for the vacuum cleaner. Or we can just split the expenses in halfs.

I’d like to get this settled before Gabrielle arrives next month.

Jennifer

P.S. - A few days ago I was sitting on the deck when I stood up I tore my jeans that got caught on a nail in your deck. The jeans costed $42. I’ve saved them so you can see them.

Dear Ryan

When I signed the lease last week, I pointed out the burned-out bulb in the refrigerator. You said if I replaced it myself I could deduct the cost from my next month’s rent along with any other small expenses that were your responsibility. So I am sending you this list of things I plan will deduct from my August rent:

Refrigerator light bulb	$ 2.00
Oven light bulb	2.00
Shed padlock	8.00
Telephone installation	37.00
Telephone	36.00
Telephone extension cord	9.00
Hangers for closets in bedrooms	12.00
Extra front door keys (you OK’ed)	6.00
Fish Food	10.00
Algecide	5.00
Garden tools	16.00
Ice tray for freezer	2.00
Cleaning Stuff	46.00

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer:

I have received your Lists #1 & 2 of expenses you plan to deduct from your rent.

You may deduct the cost of the refrigerator & stove light bulbs, the oven cleaner if the oven was dirty when you moved in, and the keys and the padlock, provided that you return the padlock and its keys to me when you leave.

I will not pay for the other expenses, because I do not believe that they could be normally considered a landlord’s responsibility.

I think you have badly misunderstood me when I said you could make small purchases and deduct them from the rent if I was responsible for them. In the future, before you buy anything that you plan to deduct from your rent, I think you should call me first and get my O.K.

- Ryan

Dear Ryan

List Number 2

Here are some more things I needed in the house and will deduct from rent.

Bay Cablevision Cable TV hookup	$ 50.00
Bay Cablevision deposit	50.00
(I will return this $50 to you when I leave)
Oven Cleaner	4.00
Shed padlock	8.00
Bath rug	30.00
Electric Broom vacuum cleaner	47.00

Jennifer

Dear Ryan

When I signed the lease last week, I pointed out the burned-out bulb in the refrigerator. You said if I replaced it myself I could deduct the cost from my next month’s rent along with any other small expenses that were your responsibility. So I am sending you this list of things I plan will deduct from my August rent:

Refrigerator light bulb	$ 2.00
Oven light bulb	2.00
Shed padlock	8.00
Telephone installation	37.00
Telephone	36.00
Telephone extension cord	9.00
Hangers for closets in bedrooms	12.00
Extra front door keys (you OK’ed)	6.00
Fish Food	10.00
Algecide	5.00
Garden tools	16.00
Ice tray for freezer	2.00
Cleaning Stuff	46.00

Jennifer